Unwritten snail mail etiquette
Time to talk etiquette. Snail mail etiquette that is. Is that even a thing, you ask?
Well, as of late, I’m convinced that it is. Or should be.
The other day I received an email asking where their letter was (not in the friendliest of tones) and if I had written them back yet. Yikes. Not the kind of email that I warm up to.
Yet, I had to consider, given my self admitted tardy return times, perhaps this was warranted. Thoughts?
unwritten expectations for returning a response
Next up was a request, again via email, that someone wanted to write me a letter but wanted to scan and email me the letter. Weird or efficient?
You may remember the recent call-out from musician John Mayer when he invited people to use a typewriter to write him a letter. He requested all those writing him to include a self addressed envelope with sufficient postage.
Surely he could afford a stamp and the time to put an address on the envelope. Am I being a bit too ‘hard core’ in my suggestion of breached snail mail etiquette?
What is your number one piece of snail mail etiquette?
I’ve noticed that some letter writing folk on Instagram indicate that they are ‘not accepting any more pen pals.’
I completely understand why this is done as there comes a point when you just can’t keep up with responding to all those that write. I have yet to make this statement as I a wholeheartedly want anyone to feel they can write me. And feel confident that a response will be forthcoming.
What do you think? Comments? Ideas? What would be your number one piece of snail mail etiquette?
Great read…. I belong to a couple of writing groups, but my favorite is a Fountain Pen letter group. Two things I do on every letter:
1. Give details: What Paper, Ink brand & color, and Pen with nib type. Everyone seems to be appreciative of the info as most of us have crazy collection-addiction tendencies.
2. I always print my full name & return address at the end of each letter.
All of our scripts can get quite swoopy and loaded with embellishments which are fantastic to see and read, but a clear address is great to have when writing out a reply. Our post offices here in US seem to have gotten a little overboard with the stamping and processing markups all over the envelopes…
I’d love to see a letter from your German Typewriter! is there a “ß” key?
Hi there David, Thanks for reading and joining in the conversation. I love hearing about how you and other members of this writing group lay down the tools-of-the-trade details first. Of course, this info is worthy of top priority. I can only imagine how beautiful the envelopes are with all those ‘swoopy scripts.’ p.s. The German Typewriter was purchased by someone at my recent letter writing social, but if memory serves me correctly it did have that key. Happy writing!
Thanks for the post. And thanks to your other readers for the comments, which are equally interesting! I can see that everyone has their own “rules”.
I like to know that my letters have arrived. I guess that is because, when I came to live in Morocco, a lot of letters got lost. But the postal system has improved a big deal in these years, and now it is very strange when it happens. It’s a pity… now that I’m about leaving the country! 😉 So, sometimes, I ask about the letter by e-mail, or Twitter DM. But I ask about the letter I sent, not about the reply. The reply is always up to the recipient. I’m of course happy to have a reply, because I understand snail mail mostly as a conversation. But sometimes people can’t (or don’t feel like) reply, because of… life? The relationship with every penpal is different, and different “rules” apply. I feel like we build them together with the time and the letters.
Lately, I’ve noticed something in my own letters: I don’t like to write about bad things. I guess I’m getting older…
Hi there Eva, Aren’t all the comments great and full of wonderful ideas/suggestions?! Clearly a point of conversation for all us snail mailers out there. Your experience receiving mail in Morocco has certainly been ‘interesting’ hasn’t it? Makes sense that you would follow up and double check. Hopefully your new destination will not have that ‘glitch’ in the postal service. p.s. older or younger, I think best practice is to avoid writing about bad things.
I’m new to your blog so Hi… I like it 🙂
I truly enjoy making snail mail art… the odds of criticism &/or rejection are minuscule… it’s a very forgiving & purely positive creative expression. I claim various & sundry therapeutic benefits for myself while creating little gifts of connection for my Loved ones & folks I want to show appreciation for.
I have 2 etiquette tenets – more, but you asked for 1 & I can’t choose, so, here are 2. I’m always observing the “everything-in-it’s-own-perfect-timing” rule for intake/output flow. It’s an unconditional Love-based genre, imo.
Second, I very nearly insist that all my mail art be hand-cancelled by the postal clerk – they usually enjoy the positive pattern interrupt in their work-flow, especially if I give them multiple pieces to process… we always smile big together; I’m often asked if my cinderella stamps are real postage – they can’t keep track of all the vintage postage in circulation so they have to take a moment & add it all up & figure out if I’m doing it right (I always make sure I’ve done it right or better). I’ve sent mail art along with a letter of request – all in an outer stamped envelope addressed to Postmaster, city, State, zip+9997 (9997 is *every* postmaster’s +4, everywhere, did you know?) asking please kindly hand cancel & send along my stamped & addressed mail so my recipient gets their postmark – usually it’s a theme element or, in the case of last year’s total solar eclipse, I want the added element of the postmark commemorating an event. How do I know what’s going on where & when with special postmarks? Ah… the USPS Postal Bulletin! Twice each month, toward the back, all pectoral, commemorative, & special postmarks including first-day-of-issues (FDOI) are listed/pictured & dated for various events all over the country. Additionally, when new stamps are released, the USPS also offers special cancellations to commemorate the newly-issued postage; those are usually available for a month or two. There is a whole world of special cancellation collectors; most are free, some have a minimum number & a small fee is charged (worth it absolutely). Anyway they’re often beautiful & always limited in duration (timing is everything!), and you can find the instructions here:
http://about.usps.com/postal-bulletin/welcome.htm
Choose current year/latest bulletin, seek near the back & find special & commemorative cancellation info.
Oh, I have a 3rd: I send mail art Thank You’s to my Postmaster, often to express appreciation for a specific day’s service from a specific clerk, sometimes to her just for doing an impossible job awesomely. I know there is a survey at the bottom of every receipt & I do those too. Every little bit of Good JuJu we can offer to our postal workers helps them keep going – there is no easy job at the most office.
I’m not prolific. Every letter is a gem, right? So the more rare they are, in my world, the better they hold their value (it’s what I tell myself anyway). I want them to be like little multi-faceted gifts created & filled with Love. Nobody’s ever returned anything or complained because it was ‘late’ for a holiday or occasion, or because it wasn’t up to arbitrary standards! I did once get a piece of mail art back from the post office – sent to an Elvis fan with Elvis postage & decorated accordingly – with a “Return to Sender” label on it. Not kidding; I LOVED that. There was a Charlie Chaplin stamp on that envelope too… I think that cheeky bugger had something to do with it.
Hi there snail mailer extraordinaire, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your knowledge of the USPS here. I had no idea about the 9997 +4 code. Makes me wonder about my Canadian postmasters here. Must sleuth this out. I agree completely, every letter is a gem, but that story about Elvis coming home is very funny. Wishing you a full mailbox this weekend. p.s. so glad you’ve found my little corner of the blogosphere, hope you’ll come back real soon 🙂
Thanks, Barb… there’s so much of interest about the postal system(s) – there’s even a way to find out the name of every Postmaster in the country; I neglected to specify directly that I refer to the USA when I said “everywhere” previously and “in the country” just now (but you got it anyway)… of course I’m talking to a Canadian blogger and should have been more clear. But, I really just sort of see us as all citizens of this Dear Beautiful Mother Gaia connecting to each other more directly & quickly from greater distances than ever in the history of Humans. Can we just consider ourselves neighbors already, everybody?!?! (WTH?, suddenly, I’m talking to all those who don’t want to play nice in all the governments, btw)
And… a full mailbox sounds wonderful! But, I only have one pen-pal and so most of the mail I make goes to people who don’t even write or make mail art at all; they are folks who appreciate that I do, but don’t return snail mail themselves – and that’s OK with me. I began making mail art to play with my grandchild, then I expanded to connecting with Loved ones, and then sending thanks out consistently to folks, as in my postal staff and those who I ordered something related to mail from, such as vintage postage stamps & supplies – plus I’ve created a handful of fan letters & mailed to artists I admire. I don’t write to people just to get return mail… so it occurs that I’m falling short of reaping this benefit of snail mail! My pen-pal & I have agreed to let it be what it is and that’s comfortable… no nasty-grams; we don’t judge each other 😉 That impatient pal you mentioned would not be happy with someone like me on the other end of their efforts. Ever. Zero expectation leads to zero disappointment (in every area of life in fact) so I’ll either have to change my tactics in order to get people writing to me & filling my mailbox, or be content with a ‘once-in-a-blue-moon’ mailbox-gem surprise. It’s a conundrum I’ll consider seeking inspiration for a solution to; now that you mention it – I really would like to find a few more gems with my name on them. I remember how I loved my childhood pen-pal who exchanged letters with me for several years – we met at a campground far away from our respective states/homes when we were 8 or 10 I think, and became fast friends in just a few days; we told each other everything well into high school, comforted by the “Hermetic”safety of the postal system – we found out it was (gasp!) *against the law*(!) to open someone else’s mail(!) and that was our ticket to freedom of expression I suppose. It still is for me too – I’m creative yet not a talented “artist”… but a mail artist I can be, and without apology or critique! I’m happy with the feedback provided by the gentle fun-poking from my postal clerks about my math skills, and their genuine interest in the vintage stamps & decorative elements I use; and very happy with my Loved ones’ appreciation expressed verbally.
But maybe I’ll branch out this year – it is that Year of the Dog postage issue that’s got me feeling frisky – it’s MY YEAR!, so I can afford to be bold, yes???! It’s nearly half over at that… so I’ll type a letter to John Mayer & send it, in a mail art fashion he won’t be able to miss (if his assistant-person shows it to him, that is – ha). I’m glad you blogged that… I enjoyed finding that out. I’ve got 2 lovely cursive typewriters that don’t get nearly enough Love & Respect. We’ll see if I get lucky with him (!)… wouldn’t that be something to write home about.
Thanks for your kind, quick, & digital response. Just keep going!
I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know life happens – I still have a penpal from 1995 but from 2003ish, correspondence waned due to life happening, and only sent Christmas cards to him. I got back into the penpalling mood in 2008, but it took me a couple of years to feel like writing a proper letter to him (better late than never).
Myself, now, I like to reply within the month of receiving a letter. I have been a few days late this year with some letters. Some take longer to reply, and that is fine too.
A while back looking through profiles on a penpal ad website, I noticed a few asking for any unmarked stamps back. I avoided those as it is illegal to re-use for postage, postally used (even if unmarked) stamps. Also, please use sufficient postage. Through a letter exchange, one letter had insufficient postage from overseas – not a good start for a correspondence, even though Royal Mail didn’t ask me for a surcharge.
Once, a letter was returned to me because my address was on the back! Now, I put it top left on the front of the envelope, or an abbreviated address (e.g. 10 / SW1A 2AA / UK) on the back.
Mia, I really like your story about you and your pen pal (since 1995.wow.) and how you penned a letter to him even after a lapse in correspondence. So glad you did, as I think most people here can relate to that truth of ‘life happening’ circumstances. Good points too, about correct about of postage. Never fun having to pay extra as the receiver.
For the past few years, I’ve written a letter every day to the people whose paths I’ve crossed in one way or another all across the country. I do it because I believe handwritten or typed letters are special, and in this digital age, they’re more appreciated than ever. I never expect a response, and I don’t mind when people let me know by text or some other social media that they’ve received one of my letters. In truth, I write mostly for myself because each letter allows me to spend a few moments with someone I miss, someone I like, someone I admire, someone who’s made a difference in my life. As to “snail-mail” etiquette, I’d favor a rule that no letter should include cruel or hurtful thoughts. Words matter, and written words can cut deeper than most when they’re directed in anger. They’re permanent in a way that spoken words are not. But maybe that’s just me. I’ll add that I love to see so many other people here who write letters. It’s one of those traditions truly worthy of preserving.
Theo, so much of what you’ve shared I appreciate. First the writing for yourself bit. I never thought of this until I read your comment, but I think I do this too. This desire to write must be met. 🙂 And, your comment about letters should never include hurtful or cruel words, absolutely a top snail mail rule of etiquette. Thanks for adding this to the conversation. Thankfully, I’ve never seen any letter containing anything other than cordial,friendly, positive comments. Happy letter writing to you.
Complaining is rude, I think. You never know if a letter gets delivered (a shocking many don’t, actually!), you never know what’s going on in the life of the other person, and people who only assume others are driven by bad intentions are the really those who I try to avoid in my life. There is enough negativity out there.
If I find or suspect a snail mail correspondence is interrupted I may wait for some weeks first. Twice or three times a year, not necessarily around the “usual” holidays, I write a whole lot of letters and postcards to almost everyone in my address book, just a short light hearted note or heads up, like “hey, haven’t heard of you in a while, hope you’re fine, let’s get back in contact, shall we” (since I am mostly writing in German it will be a bit less casual than that, but you get the idea). The point is: Keep it light, keep it positive, no accusation as that is a no-go. I would not want to write back if felt forced.
If there is no response after two or three rounds of that I know I should let go and move on. No drama.
About the position of the return address: Same here in Germany: The scanner will start scanning in the lower left corner, so the best way to address the letter is to write the recipient’s address bigger and in the middle of the envelope front and the return address small and in the upper left corner.
If you want to make sure your pen pal has your address also write it down in the letter itself.
Hello Julie. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I like your approach to ‘two or three rounds and then move on.’ One worthy of adopting I think. You mentioned you write mostly in German. Although not related to this post exactly, but I was using a German typewriter the other day and loved the keys that had German accents. The font also was beautiful and slightly different than what other machines have. But I digress. 🙂
I think it rude for someone to do that. When I don’t receive a timely response, I always think “life interrupt us.” Recently, I received a letter from someone that I had written to last year. She explained what happened (personal & professional moves) and I understood completely. I told her that I was happy for her new life and grateful for the letter. A friend of mine suffers from TBI and I would send Christmas/birthday cards, and an occasional letter. It took her a while to write back, and when she did, I was so happy. In one of her letters, she explained that our correspondence helps with her grammar, penmanship (which is beautiful), sequential processing and most importantly, her memory. BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front): patience is always a factor with snail mail. But, the wait is SO worth it!
Hi there Kari, I like that your ‘go-to’ is always positive and compassionate. You are right, who knows what might be going on in the senders life. What a great story you share about your letter writing friend. Thanks for providing this perspective.
Kari – Concur! I have a penpal who writes infrequently, but I write to her fairly often because we have a shared interest in writing (fiction, poetry, etc.). She writes to me when she can. Once you send that card out into the world, assume it got there, and cue up for the next one. 🙂 ~Tom~
Here are two of my personal practices.
After exchanging addresses I avoid communicating with pen friends via email or social media. I want every letter I send or receive to be a small surprise. Secondly, should the conversation taper off I won’t be the last to write. Not all friendships stand the test of time, but I’ll answer every letter I receive, even if it’s to say I won’t be writing again.
Hello there Doug, I can’t thank you enough for sharing two of your personal practices. In fact, I think they are ‘best practices’ indeed. What a great idea to make written correspondence all the more special to avoid social media channels in between letters..I would find this difficult but love the concept. And the ‘last letter standing’ approach is one I like to live by too. Appreciate you leaving a comment here on this topic. Talk soon.
Greetings Barb! Typewriter collector, and big fan of snail mail. Regarding etiquette in writing to penpals; well, everyone has a busy life, so I never worry about delays in receiving letters. As for my outgoing letters, I tend to write more frequently to those who write to ME frequently. In regard to the email you received kvetching about your “delay”– HA! Rude about covers it. My go to thinking is, if you want to receive letters and postcards, you should mail out letters and postcards. ~Tom Hitt~
Hello there Tom, thanks for weighing in and sharing your snail mail philosophy.I like what you said about tending to write more to those that write more to you…I too find that to be the case and thoroughly enjoy that. Great tip on letters/postcards received and reciprocating with the same. p.s. I would love to hear more about your typewriter collection.
Hi again Barb – here’s a link to my typewriter blog entries — and thanks to you for your fine blog on snail mail. ~Tom~
https://wrongwaywriteway.com/category/my-typers/
Thanks so much Tom for pointing me your way. I’ll see you soon. 🙂
My comment on snail mail is to be aware of using the correct amount of postage. It is no fun to pay postage due or worse, never get the letter. [If someone uses an office size envelope, it will hold 4 sheets of copy paper and need only one Forever Stamp in the USA. ]My experience is in the US so I know that post Offices have ‘TEMPLATES” you can get to see if your envelope is standard size. It is called Letter-Size Dimensional Standards Template.
The key is that you position the envelope in the left-hand corner of the template and see if the top right-hand corner falls into a grey area. If so, it is standard first class. The weight will determine if you need a Forever Stamp or must add another stamp for a surcharge
or another charge for being too thick. Best to take it to the Post Office and pay the non-machinable charge if necessary.
Lynn, you are absolutely right! Checking on correct postage BEFORE popping in the post is a must. I must admit, I’ve been guilty of not doing so and then it gets returned.Big fail on my part, I’ve learned my lesson.Here in Canada there is a similar ‘size test’ at the post office where if a letter can fit through a certain sized slot then it is one price; if too big to fit through costs more.Thanks for highlighting this important part of sending a letter. Do you ever use vintage USA stamps?
Hi Lynn & Barb,
When I think that my letter is too heavy for the Forever stamp applied, I go up to the counter to get it weighed. Then, I always fall for the proper customer service question, “Do you need anything else today?” I dutifully say, “Yes,” (feelings of guilt for just having my envelope weighed) and will buy more stamps. *smile*
Hi there Kari, Not sure about Lynn, but I can definitely relate to this hilarious story…hilarious because it is what happens to me all the time. How well those that work at the PO do their job 🙂
My husband recently overheard a conversation between a customer and clerk at our local P.O.
The customer was complaining that a letter had been returned to her. The problem was that she had centered her return address on the back of the envelope. The scanner had picked up the wrong side of the envelope for delivery.
I see a lot of creative envelopes on IG. I think it would be wise to consider the form your postal service requires so that there is no delay in your mail.
Hi Elaine, You raise a good point for sure. I never considered that the sides of the envelope might get mixed up. Makes sense. Thanks for mentioning it. p.s. tell that husband of yours he is our secret postal informant and must keep his ears open for more mail tips 🙂
There are two kind of peoples in this snail mail community, the ones that send anything to just make you happy not expeting anything in return and the ones that just send something simple for getting something cool back. I kinf of ignore the second ones…
Snail mail can bring us so much good to our lives and we need to focus on the good things and vibes and ignoring the rest.
Have a nice weekend Barb!
Hello there Paula, Given your expertise and love of snail mail, you have seen many of both types I would think. Cheers to ‘focus on the good things!’ p.s. postcard enroute to you.
It is sad to see someone taking you to task for not responding quickly enough (by their standards). People complain when someone doesn’t respond to an email instantly; shouldn’t snail mail be a refuge from this tyranny of urgency? In my opinion, while electronic communication tries to defeat time, snail mail transcends it. So my #1 rule: snail mail operates on a different timescale; so relax 🙂
And thanks for the letter that was waiting for me when I got back from Calgary!
John, I absolutely love how you’ve captured the truth about the difference between email and snail mail “e-communication tries to defeat time, snail mail transcends it.’ I just love that. p.s. sometimes nice to get back from a trip and find a letter in the mailbox. Glad it reached you.